TEN ways to kid yourself (or others) that you're writing

         10 ways to kid yourself (or others) that you're writing

1.     Switch on the computer and open Word. Type some random letters / characters to fill up half a page and then disable your screen-saver. Leave page on display then go and make a cup of tea

2.     Print off aforementioned page of gobbledegook and scratch some  corrections on it. Leave prominently on your desk. Go and make a nice coffee

3.     Spread a number of notebooks, text-books, novels, paper cuttings and loose A4 notes all over your desk; sprinkle on some pens and highlighters, a pack of post-it notes, perhaps.  Well done. Go and have a biscuit

4.     Stick your feet up on the desk and lean back in your office chair. You are thinking about your novel; fleshing out the characters. This gestation period is essential for writers. But while you’re waiting for the Muse to strike, get some brain food for company

5.     If it’s sunny, do this step outside on a blanket

6.     If it’s evening, why not try it in the bath?

7.     If it’s early morning, sleep in! You can tap your dreams for inspiration (especially if they’re freaky.) Remember to memorise these fragments to write down once you’re up

8.     Eat dinner with a notebook propped on the wine-bottle in front of you. Stick a pen behind your ear, a busy laptop by your side, (minimise facebook and Twitter)

9.     Run ideas past your partner, even if there’s no response. A grunt is good. He/she will have heard and registered that you are mentally writing as you speak    

10.   Do your banking, diary updates, letters to a friend, to-do list, filing and social media at your writing desk. If it’s done here it constitutes writing. 

                            P.s. I don’t do ANY of these things. I’m 100% busy all the time.

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SJS :)

Ten great reasons NOT to become a writer...

One -   You might start scrabbling up a career ladder and make loads of money instead


Two -   You won't have to write every day


Three - You might not become a lunatic (no guarantees)


Four -   You might become less intense a person, less anal, less OCD (again, no guarantees)


Five -   You won't approach every personal trauma with: "this'll make a cracking plot"


Six -     You might not stow away conversations in a notebook or get kicked under the table by your partner for staring at people in pubs


Seven - You could have a great looking garden, and hobbies, even


Eight -  You'll save loads of money on ink and paper, notebooks and pens. (Unless you become a journalist or a parish councillor instead)


Nine -   You might maintain a healthy distance from yourself, avoid self-analysis, self-absorption. (You might even get out more)


Ten -    You might end up a nice sun-kissed colour without a chair-shaped arse and RSI (unless your day job is in IT)





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SJS :)

10 differences between UK frogs & toads... (that I know from being an amphibian nerd)

And everyone needs to know this:



1 - Toads walk whilst frogs jump

2 - Frogs lay spawn clumps in the shallows; toads lay strings in the deep water around weed

3 - Toad tadpoles are black with shorter tails, frogpoles are lighter, bigger, speckly, shy

4 - Frogs have a black 'eye patch' and have spots or stripes (like pool balls)

5 - Toads are nobbly, lumpy-looking things and are dull brown in colour

6 - Frogs have more pointy faces whilst toads have a more rounded smile :)

7 - Frogs usually live in or near the pond whilst toads wander off, living up to maybe a mile away

8 - Frogs & toads return to their birth pond to breed but the toads are covering great distances!

9 - Male toads squeak when other males mount them, meaning "get the fuck off me, I'm straight"

10 - Sometimes fish get caught in the fray as this video shows. Fish don't squeak and this is their downfall...

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SJS :)

Writing Al Fresco :)

Ten Guilt-free Ways to avoid writing...

1 - From work, send yourself an urgent memo that requires immediate attention


2 - Ask someone reliable round for dinner so that you have to promptly clean the house


3 - When drunk, remove the fuse from your P.C so you'll think it's broken when you're sober


4 - Ask a neighbour - no questions asked - to lock you in their shed for a few days


5 - Accidentally slam your hand on the desk, breaking the wrist of your dominant arm


6 - Accidentally delete your book so that you have to return to the drawing board, (feet-up procrastination part)


7 - Ring your doctor and describe the symptoms of Severe Cognitive Dysfunction. Accept a trial of rehabilitation in a dementia-registered home for a week. Or two.


8 - Ask a friend to run you over, gently. Pretend it's for charity


9 - Lather your laptop in marmite & leave it in a small room with your teething puppy


10 - Decide to become a landscape gardener instead.





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SJS :)

How to be cheery when the chips are down

1 - Eat the bloody chips

2 - Go for a brisk walk in the biting spring wind

3 - Open that bottle and don't share it

4 - Seek out comedy and laugh till your bladder splodes

5 - Gurn for the video camera

6 - Share above on facebook

7 - Be nice to people. Give and get back

8 - Eat curry or fill your face with chocolate

9 - Stroke the cat / dog to relieve stress

10 - Stroke your boyfriend / girlfriend / someone's husband..



(Disclaimer: any repercussions are not my fault. You're an adult. You make your own decisions. And if you get beaten up it's nothing to do with me, sorry)



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SJS :)

How to meet a stringent deadline?

1 - Don't become a writer in the first place

2 - Don't sit around eating meals, wasting time. Get back to tippy-tapping!

3 - Use wetwipes and dry shampoo instead of bothering to shower

4 - Don't selfishly enjoy your weekend! Cuff yourself to your desk

5 - Ask you boyfriend/girlfriend to box your ears if you try to leave the house

6 - Manage time more effectively - Learn to weave your dreams into prose as you sleep

7 - If you have a day job, poo at work

8 - Stop cooking! Eat microwaveable shit and ignore the spots

9 - If you run out of dry shampoo, shave your head and spray with perfume

10 - I've told you before to become a gardener






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SJS :)